domingo, 1 de noviembre de 2009

Electionary dispatch

Almost without natural disasters, no armed conflicts, Uruguay doesn't make it to the headlines in most foreigner newspapers and whatsoever. The elections are not the exception as nothing implying body counts, shootings or even an hybrid of urban guerrillas (somehow I'm going to mention this in a minute..)/ durg gangs going Mogadishu and shooting down a police helicoper. Hell no. If you are a journalist somewhere in the world, looking some food for sensationalism, shocking news, the elections here ain't gonna do it for you.

Still, there are some sui generis features being that Uruguay is not a purely post modern society and isn't all that politically apathic as you may find in other countries, where elections are just another transaction. Who are the big contenders here? Well, I'll introduce them starting by the one who's more likely to actually be elected. Let's start :

Meet José ''Pepe'' Mujica, the candidate for the left-wing coalition Frente Amplio. One cannot speak of Mujica without speaking of the Tupamaros, mind you, a boutique urban guerrilla formed by left wing hippies from the late 60s til the
early 70s. Why were they a boutique urban guerrilla? An urban guerrilla is a broad term and you have something like the
Iraqi Resistance in one end of the spectrum, and groups like Ireland's IRA, Spain's ETA which would fit more in the
''boutique'' category on the other side, meaning that their attacks are selective and killing civilians is not their objective. Unlike the
Iraqi Resistance (some of its factions actually), these groups don't want to kill civilians indiscriminately and deliberately
as part of their military target. By international standards, having only 2 civilian deaths in your record, as horrible as a
death of a person may be, is laughable. So everytime you hear about Mujica and the Tupamaros, take it with a pinchof salt. A Uruguayan guerrilla is not what you would call a guerrilla somewhere else. Even if its opponents use his
past against him and some scared aristocrat teabagging old lady may call him an evil ''communist'' killer, they are
overrating the Tupamaros.
What else do you need to know about Mujica? He's not your typical politician, lives in the outskirts of Montevideo, has a farm in which he works. Because of his informality and spontaneity, he earned a lot of sympathy from lower classes but also the rejection from higher classes. He's also identified as part of a ''radical'' left faction in the coalition unlike current president who may be seen as center-left and moderate. Hippie left wing militant oldtimers are all for this guy and have their back to the 60s day, the May 68 remastered in high definition, dvd quality. However harmless they seem, they can blush jihadist militants with their fanaticism. Middle class university ''socially conscious'' types are also with this guy.



Now, it's Luis Alberto ''Cuqui'' Lacalle's turn. The man is a political animal, his grand father was a politician, his father was a politician and guess what his son is a politician and his wife is a politician. Hell, I woudn't be amazed that even his pets are politicians.
That's probably all I can say to his credit. He's been around for a long time and was president during de 1990-95 period which is why he used ''with the blancos (the blanco party) we lived better''. That is probably true, for
all his corrupt felon friends who were in his government. Even his wife was involved in a corruption scandal, includingthe privatization of two banks. One of them, sold to the Rohm brothers who would later (in 2002) leave the bank empty and vanish. During these privatizations, many of his closest positions (including secretaries and ministers) received ''comissions''. One of his ministries was also involved with money laundring and off shore banking which created a fiscal paradise in Uruguay.
This is the candidate both for the aristocrat scared teabagging old ladies and 4x4 driving hillbilly wannabee tycoons who own lots of square kilometers of land and earn lots of money for extensive agriculture. Oh yeah, if something goes wrong with their business, they WILL complain to the government and demand subsidies of some kind.









Let's now move on..if multimillon corruption scandals are not your thing Pedro ''shh!...don't say my last name too loud'' Bordaberry is your guy (not that the Colorado party is free of these but the candidate, is, I guess). One thing is to spend 15 years in jail like Mujica in very bad conditions or have alcohol problems like Lacalle but having a father who cooperated with a military coup in 1973 and being the president during some period of the dictatorship,
that's another thing. Why he did it? I heard it from himself in an interview, to save the country from a freemason/ communist conspiracy. I can buy the communist thing as it was the Cold War (or not that cold..) but freemasons??
That's as random as.. :

a) Aliens (they are a top conspiracy creation driver, so let's show some respect for the aliens)
b) Yoga practitioners (I'm sure some of their positions have hidden subversive motives)
c) An army of undead garden dwarves gathering to take over.

Much to his credit, he appears to be mentally healthy in spite of a father with bizarre conspiracy theories and his discourse is reasonably articulate. He's your typical conservative candidate, he has lots of brothers who look like replicas (maybe he's some type of manchurian candidate), makes me think there was a lot of interbreeding there, typical of ultra conservative aristocrat families who look back at the thirteenth century with nostalgia. I can see Maria de la Concepción Salaberry Perez Suarez de Perez voting little Pedro along with her 9 siblings and cousin/husband after some meeting in a church belonging to the ultra conservative Opus Dei. ''Gee, what's this voting thing? The serfs vote and all!! I'll have to transfer a couple million dollars to my bank accounts in the Bahamas, just in case, how scandalous. We have it soo hard ''.
I suspect that the guy himself must be involved with some ultra catholic order with this kilometer long name people, this is probably his religious freak side and I suspect that should he win, we would be back to the inquisition times. Good party for scared aristocrat teabagging old ladies (the colorado subtype) who are afraid of the evil communist, tupamaro, possibly baby killer guy. He also tried to play it cool and even had a reggaeton song ''Bordaberry is the boss'' as part of his campaign..anyone involved in that idea deserves to be shot (Lacalle also had a cumbia...that's as distateful, Mujica had a murga not that bad, still...it's a murga, 'nuff said)



Then there are the referendums, I may have a second chapter for that. Overall, all the campaigns regardless of the parties are pathetic, the ''analysts'' who try making complex arithmetics out of polls look retarded taking obvious conclusions from fancy graphics. The TV is continuously repeating speculations from the ''analysts''. I'm sick of the facade, the circus, the carnival, the flags...none of this would happen if I was the dictator.

About the electionary dispatch : Taking out the sui generis elements of the Uruguayan election and from a cuasi nihilist, somehow disenchanted view. I write the dispach to canalize the intellectual, ethical, moral, cultural repulsion generated by the elections.

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